It’s straight Food Porn, and the beauty of the image is mind-blowing, actually. Yes, you heard me right – a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I know, the mere thought of this word amalgam is like someone passionately humping your brain. But check this out; you can’t just say, “Okay, I got this,” and go off thinking you can make one of these beauties on your own. There’s a certain, how shall I say, procedure. Pay attention.
Step 1: (The Girls) Go ahead and pick out your favorite unhealthy white bread (Slow down. C’mon, take this part seriously. You’re about to make PB&JellJizz Mastery – no ordinary trash bread will do. I’m talkin’ something thick, weighty, and nutrient-free). You’re gonna need three slices of this quality health-deficient filth. Mentally label them Pamela, Beverly, and Jasmine.
Step 2: (The Money-Makers) Drop your preferred ingredients on the counter:
PB (Crunchy, because we want to snack on that shit long after the meal’s dropped down our gravy hole. We’ll just store the nuggets in our teeth to keep our taste buds tantalized).
Jelly (Smucker’s, Organic, Homemade, Strawberry, Grape, Acid, whatever – just pick what you want and lots of it, because you’re about to wipe it all over these bitches and ingest it into every cell of your body).
Step 3: (Design and Construction) It’s time to bring your love to the playing field. We begin with Pamela.
There she is, flat on her back staring up at you, ready to be introduced to your nuts. You have no options here. Slap that bitch with a thick layer of your tasty nut butter. Ooey Gooey! It’s so thick, it rolls down her sides and coats every trashy white ounce of her. When Pamela’s been satisfactorily paved with your sticky glue, dip your Wiper into your jelly jar and cream Beverly’s back side.
That’s it. Take your time – every curve, every muscle, every visible white speck of her – covered with your personal fruit-flavored sludge. Right when she least expects it, throw her oozing backside down right on top of Pamela. Did you hear the slap of their bodies? Yeah. It was almost as if they needed to spoon – Pamela’s nut-covered front glazed over by Beverly’s dripping sticky backside. Mmm, that’s right, just they way they like it.
“But wait,” you hear Jasmine moan. “What about poor lil’ me?”
“Oh I got something for you, Honey,” you tell her. “Patience, you lonely nut-grubbing freak, you tell her. All in due time.”
Damn right – you’re still not done with Beverly – oooh nooo. You see that bare naked white front side that she’s showing you, and it’s disgusting, all white and pasty. You tell her so right before your stick spits a chunky pile of nut funk all over her. You jab a couple more love pats to the crunchy pile of creamy brown nut goo before you start your creation. You spread your nut butter and smile when you realize it’s running thin. “Here comes a second load!” you yell. You hear the shock and the gasps of all three girls as their excitement blossoms.
“BLAH!” You plop it all over her dry white front and wipe it thick and mean across her hard-to-reach places. She’s squirming now, begging for Jasmine to join in the fun. And Jasmine? She’s about to get fruity globular squirts all over her fat white booty. Slip that jelly-laden rod up, down, and all around until her milky white skin drips with the preferred jelly goo of choice. Now, all that’s left is the tan.
Step 4: (The Tan) Fire up a hot plate and drop some chunks of butter into a frying pan. It’s time to brown, ladies. Once you see that butter melted into a soft yellow glaze, drop Pamela in on her back and let her…mature. A soft sassy little sizzle will come from her as the butter taints her crusty sides. Slap a spatula up under that ass and flip that bitch. Jasmine’s turn to finish the burn. Work the butter around every corner until she’s soaked every liquid ounce of it up.
Plate it, pop it, and have a smoke, because there’s a PB & J orgy going on right now in your tummy, and you need time to take it all in.